Monday, March 14, 2011

Single Blessedness....

I thank God, destiny, and the universe for this life. I would never change it for what I've been through. Even though there are a lot of failures, sorrow, difficulties and obstacles in my life, I've been very thankful for it. I've faced it head on strong, because if it wasn't for those, I would never be stronger than before. as the saying goes...

"what does not kill you, will make you stronger"...

I've been strong..stronger than ever...

I've always tried to improve myself ever since..

I was a weakling, but now I'm strong willed.

I was a naive, now I can defend myself.

I was lacking of knowledge, now I've put more than normal what's in it.

Weakness is a flaw that I tried to get rid of. Every time I get hurt, I would prefer to make myself stronger and infallible.

I got my <3 broken a lot of times and I've gained wisdom from those experiences.

I erased that naive girl that I was. I know I'm not emotionally strong in those times. But I wanted o show the world I'm stronger than they could soil my spirits...

I've been an emotional hopper. I've been a serial monogamist. I've liked a lot of guys in the past. I could say I've fallen in love few times. and those times made me the happiest and the saddest girl I've known.

But sorrow is not an easy thing to explain to the world. So I've erased sadness in my face and just give a smile. Smile is easier to explain and dealt with.

I've tried to replace every guy that hurt me with another guy whom I can like even just for a while. Just for the sake to say to myself that i can have another guy in a minute and did not need those person or guys who've rejected or abandoned me.

And I've become interested on knowing the norms of the opposite sex. I tried to understand the way they think, talk and act. I tried to adopt the way they think. And in the process, I've gained a lot of guy friends, all of whom are platonic. not a single one is romantically linked.

A lot of people suspected me to be romantically linked with them. but even though they were pushing and insisting on those things, but still nothing happens. And worse, romanticism ran away more.

I've been so engrossed on how the way they think... that slowly, I began to think like them, talk like them and act like them.

I've become emotionally close with them that they didn't see the girlishness in me, but only a friend...a man trap in a girl's body. The person they can always talk to. The Ms. indifferent that I trained myself to be.

I've always wondered why did i never had a real relationship. And now i know the answer.

And its because I subconsciously walk away from it. I dismiss it from the moment I sense it. I was afraid to show how loving I could be. I wanted so much to be as strong as a rock, that I forgot how to be as soft as a cotton.

I tried to desensitize myself from the romantic feelings i feel towards the person. I take away my being as a girl, that I'm left with only being a friend.

I was so afraid of being rejected and not accepted. The ego that I've been nurturing for a long time.

I was so afraid that letting them see how sensitive and soft I am will seem to make me weak.

I was so afraid of being left alone, sad and crying. That it left me being alone.

I was so afraid that i would make mistakes in life. That by not making mistakes, makes me left without nothing to remember as lessons for my life. I couldn't relate to some things I couldn't feel. I'm left with a pretty bubble wrapped in me, separating me from the real world.

Those feelings that I can never understand unless I for myself experience it and learn from it.

I've regretted a lot in my life. But I've tried to correct it by letting me make mistakes and not feeling guilty about it.

I've tried to get hurt, and to live.

In the meantime, I will be putting my heart back in a little box for safe keeping,and I'm gonna keep it there,until I find someone who really wants it and won't end up breaking it....

I'm hope someday I would have that someone who will complement me in my completeness and happiness. Some person that I could give my heart to...