Monday, December 26, 2011

My 2011 Christmas...

If it was not the of my worse Christmas ever...
No harmony at home because of my parents...
Good thing my siblings and I are very neutral..We all just wanted peace and quiet around our home...
Well, enough said of the bad things that happened...

I thought that, after the confession with "Fireworks", the poem and song writing that was all inspired by him, I am over him.
But now that I'm in my solitude for days, and I can contemplate on anything in my mind, he creeps in. The memories with him, what I said to him, what he said to me, the only phone conversation we had, everything. I couldn't say that I'm going back to the start that I'm trying to forget him, but I'm definitely NOT YET OVER HIM.
The whole dilemma kept playing on my mind. What if I didn't told him that I like him? What if we met on my birthday? But my mind kept on answering that I told him how I feel because I know there is a big chance that we will never see each other again. And the thought of losing him without telling him pains me more that losing him completely just because I told him. So I did tell him how I felt in a very poetic text message.

           '"Love is giving without expecting something in return" -if that is bullshit for you, then I might be bound for doom. But just the same, I want you to know, you're the beautiful dream that I don't want to end. Unfortunately, the dream is slowly taken away. Nonetheless, thank you for the dream & friendship.;) '

I realized I never regret saying this to him. Even if I get the chance to turn back the hands of time, I would do it again. Why? It's because I choose between Losing him and Not Telling him OR Losing him but I got the chance to tell him what I felt and he is important, at least.

I know I fought a losing battle, he doesn't have a girlfriend, but I can sense that she is loving some girl. And my fears was confirmed by our friend after I told her that I confessed to him. I never asked any of the details, I know she don't want to divulge any information because she doesn't know much, and that I'm a coward thinking it's best for me not to know anything. I was very afraid to hear the truth that he loves someone. That his heart is breaking for that someone, the way my heart breaks for him.

I know we are just friends. We've known each other only for a few months. But these few months that we hanged out together was the most meaningful months I've been since I transferred in my school. Maybe it was the months that I've acted myself for the first time since I entered law school. I've been true to myself and true towards him because he made me realized that I'm no longer a law student outside the classroom and I'm allowed to be myself and act quirky outside the class. That i can live my life normally without thinking of any eye looking at me. And for that I will eternally be grateful.

I can say that I am regaining, little by little, my adventurous side. My risk and adventure seeking days that once left me are now coming back. I've regained my freedom while in law school because of his thoughts.

I know that he is just another guy in my life that taught me a lot. I know that as the days passes by, there is this feeling that I might be slipping away from his memory because I'm not that important in his life. And it pains me just thinking about this unrequited love I have for him. But what can I do? I can only do so much, yet everything will fall in his hands. He should make a move if he wants to. But clearly he is not making a move. I think I can tell if I've been blown off by a man. Or as what our friend told me that he didn't rejected me.... But I thought that if he didn't then why is he not saying that he likes me back. It is unclear for me, but I'm just thinking that he is just too nice to turn me down.

I wanted to end my feelings for him, but it's much of a challenge to do it when such man is too nice. I can't think of any way to hate him. I can't think of any trait, physical, intellectual or emotional. So that's why I'm trying to think that he blown me off so that at least I can move on. I hope I can. Let's see if I can...even though he replied to my Christmas greeting.

Anyway, Merry Christmas...


  1. letting go and moving on is a gradual process. mahaba habang patience ang kelangan. while it's difficult, it's not impossible! kaya yan, dear! :)

    1. you are right layla... I know that it would be a long process, and a difficult one. I hope I can do this... still trying to move on...=)